Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Wednesday, October 15, 2003
If anyone had tried to tell me this was going to be my life I would have smiled and said "Really?...How funny". I guess that is exactly how I got here. I am actually no stranger to living a double life but this one is by far the most bizzare, the most secret, and the most involved. Going back into work at my "regular" job after spending the last couple days as a "provider" and having to answer that I had done nothing exciting all weekend while vivid memories of a stranger's naked body posed above me, eyes closed and sweating into my hair, flash in my eyes like a movie scene or some dream you wake up from unsure of it's reality. I answer nothing and remember the train ride to "work"...the men looking at me very differently than they do in "real life" and me looking at them from new eyes as well. I am looking past their thinning hair and pregnant bellies to the lusty darkness of men who are generally ignored as sexual beings. They are ignored at home by their wives and ignored, if not loathed, by the young girls they long for and cannot have. I know I never paid them any mind before this. I look at them now as they look at me and I can spot the potential culprits...the possibles...the familiar ones. I have lovers and people I consider my friends who are 55 year old, married business men. These experiences are getting hard to keep to myself and familiar enough to be a part of me I will never lose, but will never be able to talk about.

// posted by redstar @ 9:20 PM

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